I made a promise to you, a promise you'll never know about.

I promised that I'll become magnificent for you. I promised I'd become the strong, beautiful kind person that people say I might be, that I want to be. I promised to become someone who, if you saw me, you'd think, 'She's amazing'.

I want so badly to keep that promise.

When I was little, I was enchanted by stories of heroines and their strength. Strength was the trait I valued most, and it was what I wanted for myself. I wanted to be a heroine.

I didn't realise that heroines don't get saved.

I feel like a bit of a hypocrite. On one hand, maybe I've become that heroine. A tiny heroine of my own small world. But on the other, sometimes a small part of me wants nothing more than to be saved.

I'm sick at the moment, and I feel like I'm without support. It seems, despite what I thought, I've been a burden. I want nothing more than to hide away from everything... yet I'm needed now. Some people need a tiny heroine. I'm the only one I know of in my tiny world.

I feel so guilty that already I haven't been keeping the promise. I feel like I need to apologise for not already being all that I said I'd be. I feel bad for wanting to hide away from the world, for wanting to curl up somewhere dark and soft and cry my heart out. I feel like I'm throwing away the gift of those beautiful, hope-filled words by wishing I didn't have to struggle on.

But those negative feelings are pointless, aren't they? Because... it's not within me to give up. 'Never give up' are the words you live by... I think they're mine, too, but you're more positive about them. Maybe my words aren't 'never', but 'Can't'. That's probably more accurate.

So if I can't give up... does that mean ultimately, despite how little I live up to it now, one day I'll be able to keep that promise?

So today I feel like blabbing and not bothering anyone. Insanejournal to the rescue!

I'm busy making an evil witch default overlay and it's going... okay. I spent a lot of time on my good witch one and it come out kinda nice, but now I can't remember how much detail I put into it and wugh.

I hardly ever listen to NewS' Lady Spider because it's really not one of my favourites. But every now and then it comes on and I don't notice until I start paying attention again, and I hear how good Yamapi sounds in it and I wonder why the hell I don't listen just for the pleasure of hearing his voice.

On the subject of Yamapi, I watched Nobuta wo Produce over the weekend. I'd been looking forward to it for months and thought it would be just the thing to cheer me up.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

I don't want to spoil anything in case anyone happens upon it and wants to watch, but I've never watched something more heartbreaking. I blubbered like a freaking baby during the last ep, and most of the night after. Remind me never to watch something of Yamapi's when I want to be cheery again.
Half the problem is that Yamapi played Akira so well that he was completely and utterly believable as a real person and DAMNIT what a sweetheart. I just wanted to snuggle him the entire time.

I'm really tired. I dislike being really tired. I just want to curl up next to something and sleep for a million years.

Oh, I drew another picture of Yamapi today. I drew one the other day and it came out kind of okay. I uploaded it onto my devart of the same handle. I was at tafe today and had some spare time, as I always do. Night before I printed out some pictures and packed a sketchbook and drawing implements in preparation. So I drew.

I was watched for a while, while I worked. It was kind of odd but by then I'd nearly finished so it wasn't nearly as troublesome. I'm really much more pleased with this than the previous one, even though I didn't capture Yamapi's expression. Which is a pity, because it was really really cute.

~My everything, Beautiful eyes... The most beautiful thing in the world... your everything, your beautiful eyes, I love them... from now on, never let go...

Boku no subete Beautiful Eyes... sekai jyuu de ichiban utsukushi... kimi no subete Beautiful Eyes, suki da... dakishimete hanasanai...~

Well. I suppose that's all. End rant.

~Empress

mood: cynical music: NewS - Ai Nante

So, I like Yamashita Tomohisa.

I think he's a pretty amazing person. Aside from the fact he's possibly one of the most attractive people I've ever seen, and has a voice that sends shivers down my spine, what I can grasp of his personality attracts me like sugar attracts ants. A crude analogy, but you get my point.

When he's in a good mood and is relaxed, he's playful and just overall adorable. He has a very delicate sense of humour, which I also like. But he's amazingly humble and it seems like he could be very, very sweet when the mood is upon him. I also think he could be a very bad person to have angry at you.
Overall it seems like he's a very fiery, passionate person. He's vibrant and can shine so brightly that other people seem dull in comparison. It's probably why he's one of the most beloved idols in Japan.
On the other hand, he can be amazingly serious and professional when need be. Which is something to be admired, to be sure, but sometimes it confuses me.

Undoubtedly he's such a fine performer because of how dedicated and serious he can be. But it makes me wonder, watching him, whether he really enjoys what he's doing.
He says in interviews that he loves dancing. Which is great, because he's a really great dancer... and who wouldn't want to watch that exquisite body in motion? But in a few performances, when he dances... he seems so serious that it seems he doesn't enjoy it at all.

The first time I really noticed it was when I watched his live performance of Loveless. I overlooked it at first, because it's a very sad song and his reactions were spot on, as if he were singing from the heart, like it honestly made him sad. But even though I thought this, a small voice in my head piped up, 'Does he even want to be there?'

The more significant time I noticed was watching Kiss De Tsutaete. It's an upbeat song that Yamapi himself wrote, and one of my favourites. Watching him dance the first time I didn't notice anything, except for the end when they zoomed in on his face and he looked serious, even partially annoyed.
Watching a few times more, I noticed the stiffness of his movements, how he seemed to move as little as possible. Upon noticing this I was concerned. Was he hurt? Had he injured himself before having to perform? It wasn't the kind of movement that protected a certain limb, so had he injured his back somehow? Was he so tired and, possibly, sick, that he couldn't perform with all his might?

I still don't know whether or not he was hurt or just tired during the performance. Even though I know that, by now, he'd have recovered, it bothers me to watch it sometimes, because he really does look uncomfortable.

I'd really love to meet him. Even though I know even if that happened he wouldn't have any interest in me, it'd be nice to actually be able to get to know him. I'd love to try and figure out his personality... I'd love to know, most of all, whether he's doing something he really loves or if he's doing it out of a sense of obligation.

If it's the latter, I hope I'm not alone in saying that I'd rather have no Yamapi performances at all than have him performing and unhappy.

mood: anxious music: Yamashita Tomohisa - Loveless

I'm just gonna jump right in and say that you're all completely off base.

Okay, maybe not completely, but close enough, damnit.

I have been reading THIS! :http://forum.evageeks.org/viewtopic.php?t=7710&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=20&sid=f6a989a69368e4cb4f58670bb8a5ed41

And I'd just like to shoot out my own theories on how Eva is piloted.


In the thread, people have been asking these questions:
How does the pilot make Eva move?
What relevence is the headset and plugsuit?
What's the point of the triggers?
What's the deal with the throne?

All the while making wild speculations about LCL and plug mechanics.

( So let's start with the first one, shall we? How does the pilot make Eva move? )

mood: bitchy music: Station X - Dawn of the Dead

So where is everybody?

They're all off having lives, the bastards.

It's valentines day and I spent some of it with Azael. One of his friends came over and when it was time for me to leave he seemed shocked that I had to go, that I wouldn't be staying. At first it confused me because spending 90% of my time here is just what I do. Then it made me really sad.

So I'm sitting here with nobody to talk to because everybody else is off having a life. I'm getting a new set of frames because putting lenses into this frame will cost $89 AND I'd have to give up my glasses for a week. A WEEK. Seriously, what the FUCK happened to just tracing the inside shape of your frame and then just popping the lenses in when they arrived? Don't they teach optometrists how to do that anymore? SERIOUSLY? How the HELL do they expect people to get by, WITHOUT GLASSES, FOR A WEEK? Do they think we wear them for DECORATION? Not ALL of us can walk around without cokebottles strapped to our eyes, kthx. It is OBVIOUS that whoever made this new system does not wear glasses or still has fairly good eyesight regardless.

Of course it wouldn't be a problem if I wasn't stuck at college for the next two weeks, BUT ALAS. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE NO LIFE.

I don't like the shape of my frames. I had two shapes to choose from - square and round. Two colours of square, blue and brown. The same choice, interestingly, that I had when I got these frames. But yes. Round frames look bad on me. Square doesn't look much better... they're uncomfortably large and I'll have to fiddle with them before they're comfortable. I wish I had an income so I could get a nicer pair, but instead I had to choose from the leftover $99 ones. This is why I need to be a septillionaire. I'd be the richest person in the world. I could buy Tasmania.

So I won't speak to Azael until Monday because his phone is dead, he has friends over and tomorrow he'll be going to a friend's house... might not speak to him until Tuesday. It makes me feel very lonely.

I have no motivation to do anything, so I'll just sit there until it's a reasonable time to go to bed.

~Treiale

mood: anxious music: Mike Oldfield - Tubular Bells

So, today I'd like to talk about one of my friends - CandyLashes.

Candylashes is one of my best friends. He has a beautiful personality and it pains me that his sexual orientation causes him trouble. He is truly one of the most amazing people I know.
Candylashes is sweet and eternally modest. He's a fine artist and is more perceptive than most people would think of him. He's exceptionally shy and timid, but underneath that he is playful, sharp witted, and I believe it is in his nature to love the little things in life.
When we first met he was painfully quiet and seemed very afraid of things. Pure chance, and luck on my part, brought us into meeting. I'd often seen him and he intrigued me - instinctively I reached out to him, and to my immense pleasure, he responded.

I've seen Candylashes go through a lot, and it is of great sorrow to me that he has been through much more that I will probably never know about. Worse, that I am and was unable to assist. I've watched as he's gained help and gradually opened up to show the beautiful person he is.

I find his personality addictive. I enjoy his company immensely and his growth into a happier, more secure person makes me happy. I'm eternally grateful to a teacher we shared - I believe it is due to her, with her gentle persistence and keen understanding, that Candylashes sought help in the first place. I hope that it's due to our unyielding acceptance of him that he's beginning to shine.

You can probably tell that I love Candylashes to pieces. I'm never sure how he feels about me because despite how I've seen him change he is, first and foremost, an introvert - he keeps things to himself. Candylashes has some very fine feelings, and I'm very lucky to have been exposed to what I have.

Still, he always leaves me wanting more. Rest assured, I sound smitten but I'm not - he's just amazing, and I'm really, really glad that he's my friend. I love my little Candylashes, lol.

Much love,
Treiale

mood: lonely music: Muse - Citizen Erased

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/eggsong

Because I can.

So freaking tired. Grrrrr. Today is grrrr. I am grrrr. Grrrrr.

Stay tuned.

mood: aggravated music: Egg Song

THE ALTADOR CUP IS HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE

...Okay, so I'm late to this one. But even so.

SHAKE THOSE COCONUTS AND SHIMMY IN THOSE PALM LEAVES, MI ARE TAKING THE CUP THIS YEAR.

*pops on her grass skirt and coconut bra*

Oohhhhhhhh my god. I finished Twilight Princess yesterday. It makes me wanna cry so hard.
I just want to announce that I have fallen completely and utterly in love with Midna. x3

So it's been a while since my last post. I figured, well, nobody is around on LJ -anyway-, so why not post to IJ? So here I am.

So, so, so. I'm getting broadband within the next couple of weeks. Hurray. We have everything we need, so now we're just waiting on the ISP.
I'm making a pipecleaner zoo. I know that it's on The List but that isn't to say I can't repeat it. I'll probably scrap the project halfway through anyway.

I've been modding teh simz a bit - not really modding, I guess, just changing DNA, facial structure and name of some townies and a couple of NPC's. SimPE for the win, like, srsly.

I've been gaming a bit, trying to distract myself, you know, as one does. I have exams coming up (three weeks) but they're only midyear - they don't count towards final marks. So why stress? It's not like I'm gonna flunk. Well. I might flunk health, but only because they expect stupid answers to stupid questions in the most round about way possible.

I wonder if I should go see the college social worker. I dislike her, though. There's something about her that really makes me not want to approach her.

Well, that's about it for now.

~Treiale

mood: cold music: Nevermore - Believe in Nothing

Mmmbleh.

So I got The Sims 2 Castaway for my birthday yesterday. I don't have enough time or batteries to play very much, and now I have to stop so I can do homework.
I have a crew of four - Treiale, Azaeleus, Rajavi and Teunis. Treiale was the starting sim, and so far, Azaeleus and Teunis are in my tribe. Rajavi is being stubborn and never showing up and then running away whenever Teunis tries to sedu- I mean, talk to her.
And, the hell is with it being so hard to get Treiale and Azaeleus to shack up? x_X

Why does it have to be monday tomorrow...

mood: crappy

So today I'm watching Sailor Moon.
Boop Boop Jiggy with it. It's sooooo dorky, but I still love it. I need to dig out my costume and prance around screaming that I'm Sailor Midnightmist and that I'm the champion of everything.

~Treiale

mood: blah

Jesus fucking CHRIST. I am so FUCKING angry at her.

The hell kind of friend complains because of THAT? I mean... ffs, if you're that close... SELFISH...

I mean, ffs! He's fucking drowning and you're saying he's...

You. Don't. Fucking. Deserve. Him.
You won't EVER see how good he is to you. I hope to god that you shape up and be even half the friend he is to you, because it'll break his heart if you stay like this. But if you're not going to do that, get the fuck out of his life. I swear to GOD, if you keep hurting him like this I will hunt you down. If you break his heart I'll fucking kill you.

No love WHATSOEVER,
Treiale.

So, like I said to my significant other just now, my back feels like it's been tied to a boulder at one end and a rampaging rhino at the other. It just isn't good.

Nothing much interesting has happened. College started again after Easter break. I have frequent dreams about strange things, like saving the people in English from the burning classroom. Another pair of earbuds has died, but it's broken, not at the bud, not at the plug, BUT IN THE MIDDLE.
Explanation, pleez?

I downloaded a bunch of things for The Sims 2 and half of them don't work. It'd be nice if there was some program that tested out which items would function and which didn't. As is, I just let them rot in my download's folder.

The art teacher, Alex, told me I draw beautifully. Then he attempted to convince me that I'm a cat, due to the conversation my friends and I were having. Windy liked my monologue and likes the main character... while I like the character and hate the monologue itself.

I have a bell tied around my neck.

Go figure.

mood: apathetic music: Simple Plan - The End

The best thing about having an insanejournal is that NOBODY KNOWS ME HERE.
I can say whatever I want about how I feel, and nobody is going to bother looking for me. So I don't have to worry about people worrying about me, or getting pissed, or anything.

I really wish my hormones would settle down. I feel really really bad and I can't tell anybody about it.
I wish my uterus would settle down, too. Geeez. It's not like there's going to be a medal for the fastest expultion of ten gallons of flesh.

Sometimes I kinda wish there was another me around. Not to hang around all the time... I hate myself enough that I'd end up killing me. x3 Just, to enjoy the jokes and to share the pain when it gets a bit too much.

In other news, Sora is level 53. I plan to get to 65 before beating Riku and making mobs more difficult. 12 levels... Blurgh. Still, I advanced from 46 to 53 in about five, maybe six hours, and some of that was getting lost rather than pure grinding. So all things considered, I'm not doing bad.
The ultimate goal is level 100 before I finish. That way I can smear Sephiroth over the ground, as well as all the other bosses left over. Of course, I'll get all the Trinities, Keyblades, Sheilds, Staves, Arts, and all that other junk. Max all my stats. Practice hitting that damn jumpy mushroom until I can do it 100 times and get the items from that.

Now, to watch Tsubasa Chronicle.

mood: apathetic music: Alice Cooper - Might As Well Be On Mars

InsaneJournal!
Whoothooooo. All aboard the gravy bus.
Step lively, step lively, today we're serving BANANA PEELS.

Zebra casings in steel slippers.

Thank you, and may the porch be with you.

~Treiale

mood: discontent music: Alice Cooper - Poison